Since I was 12, April has been a hard month for me. As the years have gone on I have learned to deal with it in more private manner. On April 12, I always think more about my dad than I normally do. I usually read some things that I wrote as a teenager who deals with the loss of a parent. The pain of losing someone never goes away, you just learn to live with it. The surprising thing that I have learned over the years is that grief and the loss of someone from your life doesn't take time into account. Sure, when April 12, rolls around I know exactly what that day is. It is the day my dad died. But it has been 21 years and memories fade, especially when my dad has been dead more of my life than he was alive. But there are still things that make me miss him. For instance I remember when I was buying a house 5 years ago. I was thinking of all the things that needed to be done and a great friend of mine made a simple comment that her dad could help. That was nice of my friend, but what I heard was my dad isn't here to help me and that made me cry and miss my dad even more.
I am sure there will be many of those times as the years go on where I wish my grandma was here. A few that I encountered last year were some of the silliest. Such as when I was getting a root canal, the only person that would have understood would have been with my grandma because she was there for me 10 years prior when I went through the pain of the tooth dying, while the dentists told me nothing was wrong. Fast forward 10 years and yeah, something was wrong, the tooth was dying when I had all that pain and for the last 10 years it has been rotting under a cap. Which could also explain my chronic sinus infections on that side of my face for oh like the last 8 years. She would have understood. She would have been the one I vented to when Princess got diabetes and then celebrated with a few months later when Princess went into remission. Just like she was the only one I called when Sage was sick and than died. I know my grandma would have loved to have seen my brother get married last August or to know that the McKinney name will live another generation because my brother and sister in law are expecting a little boy in July. Or at Christmas how I went to Texas rather than Nevada and how Tuf did a wonderful job of making Christmas as normal as possible for me. She would have been so proud of us sticking together. Or just last week when I had dinner with my best friend from high school. She would have loved to have heard every single detail of that night because my grandma loved Duana. Just as she would have loved to hear how my friends are doing with so many life events from weddings to babies, because I told my grandma everything.
I took the day off from work because I just wanted to do my own thing. I know April 9, will be a day I will dread for the rest of my life, just like April 12. I know as the years go on that these 4 days that I just have to grudge through will get easier because it is not the anniversary of their deaths that I want to remember, but rather the memories because they are still with me. When I think of them more times then not it brings a smile to my face and sometimes it makes me cry and both of those are okay emotions Therefore, while today I needed to be alone I did normal life things rather than moping. That doesn't mean that I don't miss her any less, that just means that she raised me well and taught me to be strong and to hold on with all my might to our Savior. As, I did things today memories of what happened one year ago today popped into my head and sure I teared up as I was driving and sure I am crying as I write this and sure I am happy that April 9 is almost over but one thing I have learned over the last year is that she is still with me. I still ask God to tell my grandma hi for me and I love her and I miss her and that I sure hope she is holding Sage and other dear animals that have passed (maybe animals don't go to heaven, I don't know nor do I really care what others think because the picture of my grandma and Sage together makes me smile).
Getting through that first year is hard but it is also like a sick and twisted accomplishment because now you are not so focused on this is the first year that...fill in the blank. Doesn't mean I don't miss her and doesn't mean that I don't love her any less. It just means that with God, I can still live and that is what my grandma would want. And as I take a huge leap of faith in a few month she will be with me and I hope I make her proud.
I end this emotional post with this photo of old bear. Old bear was my grandma's most beloved possession. I wish I would have asked why, but I didn't. I just know it meant a lot to her and it was the one thing I wanted. I am not sentimental towards things but old bear will always be with me, just like a blue pig figurine of my dads.
